The Case Against Dr. Sears
It’s hard to ignore Dr. Sears. His son’s book, The Vaccine Book is very popular and discussed in my circle of parents. He has a wide presence on the internet. He has created the entire movement of attachment parenting. His beliefs have encouraged the use of “wearing your baby”, a popular practice that I personally love. Soho Parenting (Jean and Lisa), Experts on this blog, see the influence of Dr. Sears’s philosophy of attachment parenting has on their clients. These mothers are exhausted, overwhelmed and feel guilty for wanting some time to themselves. A recent article in The Atlantic, challenges our society’s current push for exclusively breast feeding. Jean and Lisa ask, is it really about the pressure to breastfeed or the pressure to be with your child 24 hours a day?
Is it the “Case Against Breastfeeding” or the Case Against Dr. Sears?
Jean and Lisa
by Jean Kunhardt and Lisa Spiegel of Soho Parenting
The Case Against Breast Feeding by Hanna Rosin appears in the April issue of The Atlantic. The title is sensationalist. The content of the article addresses inconsistent findings in medical literature about the superiority of breast feeding, the snobbery of the 21st century perfectionist supermom, and the possibility that the pressure to nurse is a new form of prison for women. All interesting. In our previous post on breast feeding we addressed some of these same issues. Judith Warner, of the New York Times reacts to Rosin’s article with admiration and the anticipation of reprisal. While she applauds Rosin’s challenge to present day pressure on women to exclusively beastfeed, she fears the backlash. “I am sure that … the Dr. William Sears-inspired attachment parenting crowd will soon assail {Rosin} in the blogosphere.”
We are struck that both Rosin and Warner still look to Dr. Sears and his disciples for affirmation. We were hoping we were about done with Dr. Sears and “attachment parenting”. I can’t count the number of mothers who have come to Soho Parenting with “Post-Traumatic Sears Disorder.” Here are the symptoms: debilitating guilt, exhaustion, crying outbursts, marital conflict and a baby who cannot sit or play independently for more than two minutes. Of course, that could describe any new mother, but the followers of Sears have a special brand of this overwhelmed state. They have drunk the Sears Kool-Aid that 24/7 nursing, holding, “bonding” with your baby is the only way to secure the mother baby attachment. They come for guidance when their babies are 6, 9, 12 months, feeling like complete failures. They just can’t manage what Dr. Sears’s wife, Martha Sears has purportedly done with her 11 children.
The detox program we offer is simple. Feed your baby during the day when she should be eating. Have them sleep from a nice early bedtime until morning. Honor your babies need for comfort, connection and love as well as for solitude and their capacity to use and develop their own resources.
Jean Kunhardt, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, has graduate degrees in Early Childhood and Special Education from Bank Street College. In addition to leading parenting groups, she specializes in children’s sleep as well as working with couples and adults using a mind-body approach to psychotherapy. She and her sister, Sandra K. Baslie, are the granddaughters of Dorothy Kunhardt, creator of the beloved children’s book, Pat the Bunny. She is the proud mother of high school and college-aged children.
Lisa Spiegel has a Master’s in degree in developmental psychology from Columbia University and is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor. From her two decades of work with adults and children, she has developed an approach that draws on an eclectic range of disciplines, including psychotherapy, hypnosis, meditation, yoga, and EMDR. She also specializes in children’s sleep issues, as well as marriage counseling. She enjoys spending time with her high school and college age daughters.
For more than two decades Soho Parenting has offered realistic, insightful and practical guidance to strengthen parents and help create close and communicative families.
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There are some really thoughtful and balanced comments here.
As the Editor and Founder of this blog, I should have suggested an alternative to the reference of “Kool-Aid”. I apologize.
As we all continue the path of parenting, there will be times we will diverge in opinion, disagree with Experts, each other and our spouses. I try and present differing opinions through my choice of Experts, articles and research. My goal has always been to present various pathways to parenting, some of which may interest you and others may not. Ideally, you will be informed and, combined with your instincts, find your own personal parenting style.
P.S.- I think Margaret’s comment above was excellent- balanced, well-written and offered insight. I would suggest reading it.
Got to wonder how much attachment parenting orientated advertising A Child Grows in Brooklyn gets. Boycott anyone? Since this website sponsors anti-attachment groups like Soho Parenting, maybe parents who believe in attachment should contact (attachment orientated) advertisers here and let them know they are wasting their money.
We are happy followers of attachment parenting. Nursing through the night–as little ones need both the nutrition and comfort–afforded me much more sleep and peace of mind than that received by the non-attached moms who lay awake listening to their baby scream, all alone, in another room or listening to electronic monitors and wondering if they should worry or not about SIDS as their baby was nowhere in sight. Carrying my baby leaves my hands free (for my older child) and my baby happy—when she’s not independently exploring. I second the suggestion that moms who are traumatized by trying to be attached either aren’t getting needed support or help at home (significant others and family members are often critical). Or they are misunderstanding what attached parenting is all about–or are the NYC moms I’ve seen and met who sadly expect life not to change after having a child. Those whose lives have centered around constant lunches out with the girls, visits to spas and hair dressers, spending most evenings out at soirees are surely not ready for mothering (baby is just a cute dress-it-up object who, much to their horror, wants them constantly–happens to be natural) and such moms seek to gain guilt-free support for their self-centered lifestyles by finding therapists who will offer them just that–sounds like you guys. And Nanny makes 3. Many attached parents find time for yoga, meditation, and self-care too like massages, whatever they need. Even babysitters. Dr. Sears doesn’t offer Kool-Aid, organic veggie juice perhaps. Sounds like your moms are craving the Long Island Ice teas and freedom from parenting which indeed is not what Dr. Sears is promoting. We will still read Pat the Bunny with great joy and hope grandma Dorothy didn’t let her kids cry-it-out alone while writing such loving books.
“Balance” is one of the “B’s” of Attachment Parenting, along with breastfeeding and babywearing. It’s key to accept help from others along the way so you can get a break, just as with any form of parenting.
In many ways, I have found that being responsive to my baby’s needs (versus “training him”) had made for an easy and joyful relationship for us, and that co-sleeping so that I could nurse him within arms’ reach meant I got more sleep than I would have if I put him in another room and had to get out of bed to go to him (or ignore my instincts and heart by ignoring HIS cries).
I am sure that Jean and Lisa have their hearts in the right place, but I have to say that I found this particular post a bit offensive. I would say that I am a “Sears-oriented” mother. I have tried to be responsive to my child, and I did not sleep train. I did what worked for us, and it did not suit me to hear my baby cry without responding. So, what I found offensive is the idea that by doing so, I am drinking “Kool-Aid”. Alluding to such a tragedy, and equating practicing attachment parenting to this is way over the top.
Of course, any one parenting style will not work for all families, or even all babies in a particular family. I am sure that Jean and Lisa know that. On the other hand, the mothers that come to see Jean and Lisa are self-selected because they are having problems — otherwise they wouldn’t be coming in for help, would they? So they hardly see a representative sample of all who follow Sears’s advice or believe in Attachment Parenting.
Oh, and my daughter has been no less independent , and I have been no more exhausted, than our friends who chose different parenting paths. So I respect that there are many valid ways of raising children. And I am glad that Jean and Lisa can help those mothers who haven’t found what works well for them yet. I also hope that they can agree that if it is working, there is no need to criticize.
Yes, the more parents who trust their instincts about caring for their children, the fewer who will need your detox program.
We live in a culture that does not care for or nurture children–and parents who do not get with the program and force independence on their babies are severely criticized. No wonder they feel guilty and depleted–there is very little practical support for any health attachment behaviors in our culture. So we blame Sears and these parents, and then tell them that they are crazy and are guilt-tripping other parents! It’s incredibly ironic. Who is pushing the Kool-Aid, really?
I think maybe those with “PTSD” might have miss-interpreted what Dr. Sears has to say. It is noted above in the article that the babies of these children are not independent and cannot play by themselves for more than two minutes. 90% of the babies of “Attachment parenting” that I know are MORE independent than non-AP babies, and seem to feel MORE comfortable leaving parents to explore the world around them.
I think looking at the possibility of miss-interpretation is important. Becoming OVER child centered can cause the problems complained about in the article. Practicing AP is very different than being completely child centered.
i’ll admit it, i too suffered from a little “Post-Traumatic Sears Disorder”. That guilt we new-mommies put on ourselves is pretty powerful stuff. I’m now much more confident in my own parenting style and hope that i will be able to avoid the “disorder” with my second go-around next fall.